Disillusionment

I've taken a few months off from blogging. I get inquiries asking when my next blog is coming out. Besides being therapy for me, I guess some must find it entertaining. Of course with the TV writers on strike, there has been very little competition.

A lot has happened to me these past few months - good, bad and bizarre. But I think I'm getting jaded or at least used to the feeling of disappointment in my life. I don't get that excited about someone or something new. I already know the ending of the story. It's like watching a rerun or taped version of the Super Bowl from 2 years ago. It was fun the first time but...

I don't get depressed anymore at the end of the story. In a way I'm sad that I've lost some of that innocence that I experienced when everything was new, exciting and full of emotions. Just recently a friend of mine for a couple years flaked out on me. We have had disagreements before, but we've always managed to patch things up. This time it is different. Too much stuff has happened. It's easy for me to forgive but very hard for me to forget. To quote my favorite artist (and she should be yours too), Brandie Carlile -www.brandiecarlile.com
"wishin' I was ten again - so we could be friends again"

Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the innocent and simple times? When events happened and seemed so huge, but in reality they were nothing. But now it's big stuff and we all know the final ending anyway. Is it worth patching up a relationship? That's my dilema. Where and when did I loose the "oh my god, that's beautiful" or the pain in my very soul when someone doesn't like me anymore? I'm now at the point where I go out with friends and have an occassional date. I have fun but nothing gets me so worked up that I stay awake all night crying or laughing and writing in my blog. There is no passion. I miss the passion. Maybe I just haven't found the right person or circumstances. While writing this blog the old Peggy Lee song "Is That All There Is" kept going thru my mind. For those unfamiliar with the song, it's taken from a story called "Disillusionment" by Thomas Mann. A synopsis of the story is:

The narrator is sitting in St Mark's Square in Venice when he falls into a conversation with a fellow countryman. The man asks, "Do you know what disillusionment is? Not a miscarriage in small unimportant matters, but the great and general disappointment which everything, all of life, has in store?" He tells how, as a small boy, the house caught fire; yet as they watched it burn down he was thinking, "So this is a house on fire? Is that all?" And ever since then, life has been a series of disappointments; all the great experiences have left him with the feeling: "Is that all?" And one day, death will come, and he expects it to be the last great disappointment. "Is this all?"That's how I'm feeling now - People come in and out of my life. No sorrow, no joy just- is that it?

If that's all there is my friend,
Then let's keep dancing
If that's all there is.

Until Next Time - Wise OUT.